


A Matter of Memory

by Phlinting



Series: Loki Loves Movie Night [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 04:40:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6551413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phlinting/pseuds/Phlinting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life for the Avengers has settled into a happy routine since Loki's prank. Despite the frequent calls to assemble, Tony, Steve, and Bucky have managed to build a successful triad relationship, and have grown closer to the rest of the team as well. </p><p>Everything is peaceful until Bucky recovers an unexpected and disturbing memory. </p><p>Can Steve, Tony, and Bucky—three men who battle evil for a living—fight through the confusing ghosts of the past and continue to hold on to each other?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As promised I've tidied up the parts I removed from _Bricks and Roads and Magic, Oh My_ to make a complete short story.
> 
>  _A Matter of Memory_ is set in the same world, with the same pairings, and essentially happens after the first story and before the sequel. It's a little more serious and a lot more heartbreaking, but I promise that it also has a happy ending.
> 
> If you haven't read the silliness that is _Bricks and Roads and Magic, Oh My_ this part can still be read as a standalone story of an existing relationship between Steve, Tony, and Bucky. If you're not in the mood for a serious story you can skip this one and go straight to the silly sequel, _You Are NOT a Toy!_
> 
> **_Trigger warning:_** This story explores the way Bucky's memories return after years of abuse at the hands of Hydra and the mental anguish those memories cause him, his lovers, and the rest of the Avengers, so please consider your triggers before deciding to read.

Tony tried to keep the sappy grin off his face. 

Four months of loving and being loved by two incredible super soldiers had done unspeakable things for his self-confidence and mood. Keeping up with them wasn't exactly an easy task, especially considering the age difference—and yeah, the serum too—but when he was completely spent, barely able to move a muscle, watching the two of them together was his absolute, next-best favorite thing.

It was Thursday and that meant movie night. Steve was clearly enjoying the animated children's story they were watching, smiling and laughing along with the rest of their group, but Bucky had fallen asleep with his head in Tony's lap a few minutes into the first scene. Overwhelmed with feelings of affection, Tony snuggled closer to Steve and ran his fingers through Bucky's long hair. Yeah, Tony wasn't trying too hard to keep the sappy grin off his face.

Bucky sighed softly in his sleep.

Just as Bruce had predicted, Bucky's memories of his time as an assassin for Hydra had slowly filtered back into his conscious mind, but they were fuzzy and incomplete. So far Bucky was coping pretty well, most of the memories not much worse than some of the things he and Steve had gone through during the war.

Occasionally the memories were clearer, the ones that seemed linked to long-term missions or back-to-back assignments. Bruce had hypothesized that the more chance of the memories being recorded into Bucky's long-term memory, the clearer the memories might be.

So far Bruce's theory seemed to be correct.

The clearer the memories, the more Bucky hurt, and the more he slept. He'd been sleeping a lot lately.

But it was those moments of clarity, the memories filled with defiance against the people controlling him, the rise of his own personality inside the monster they'd made him that hurt Bucky the most. Some nights it was those memories that nearly destroyed him. 

Tony didn't mean to close his eyes, but somehow he woke a few hours later still in Steve's arms, still with Bucky's head in his lap, but with just about every muscle screaming at him for staying in the same position for so long.

"Hi," Bucky whispered when Tony finally noticed that the man was awake.

"What time is it?" Tony asked.

Bucky shrugged, not even bothering to try and read his old-fashioned watch in the low light. With his serum-enhanced night vision he'd probably be able to see it, but Bucky seemed to have the same attitude to the passage of time as Steve did. There was "on duty" and "off duty" and they were the only two times that were relevant in their minds. It had left Tony wondering why either of his super soldiers actually bothered to wear a watch. Even though Bucky's contribution to the Avengers at the moment was in the form of satellite surveillance and visual support from the Tower, he worked as tirelessly as Steve for each and every mission.

"You've got your mother's eyes," Bucky said, smiling at Tony affectionately as he swept his metal hand lightly over Tony's cheek. "I could read every emotion that went through her mind just by looking into her eyes."

"I guess eyes really are windows to the soul," Tony said without really thinking too hard. He was happy to sleepily float in this warm dark world with his lovers. Yet a thought nagged at him, and even against his will he followed the thread. "When did you meet my mother?"

"I…" Bucky tilted his head and squinted his eyes as he chased the memory down. "I…um…" It was the look of dawning horror that had Tony scrambling to try and hold the man to him. 

But the Winter Soldier was far too strong for Tony when he wasn't wearing the Iron Man suit and easily tore himself from Tony's grip. Steve woke quickly, immediately alert, but Tony had no real way of explaining what had just happened. Bucky had never tried to get away from either of them before. Even when the memories had been truly horrifying, he'd stayed and he'd talked them through, and he accepted his lover's comfort, and he'd tried very hard to follow professional advice on mental health. He'd shown incredible courage and Tony had been awed by the man's strength.

Yet this reaction just now had been completely unexpected and suggested a memory that was even worse than those he'd already recovered.

It wasn't until Steve had taken a moment to calm Tony down and then gone to track Bucky that Tony realized the likely answer to the question Bucky was avoiding.

~*~

Steve rushed through the tower, following the instructions JARVIS was giving him and silently praying that he'd catch up with Bucky before he exited the building. It was no use asking JARVIS or any of the security staff to try and stop him. With his memories returning, Bucky had almost full access to everything he'd learned as the Winter Soldier. If he wanted to leave, nobody could stop him. Maybe not even Steve.

"Buck," Steve called urgently as he saw Bucky slip through the fire-escape door at the end of the hallway. Bucky flinched, but he didn't stop and he didn't turn around.

Steve ran faster, his fear for his lover and friend fueling his already considerable abilities. Even Bucky was surprised when Steve jumped over the railing six stories up to land awkwardly in front of him.

Thankfully Bucky's natural inclination to protect Steve had the man stopping before he ran through him.

"Buck," Steve said again, reaching for Bucky but dropping his hand down the moment he saw his oldest friend flinch again. "We can't help if we don't understand."

"You can't help." Bucky shook his head. "T–To–Tony c–can't—"

A sob cut off his words, and then Bucky's entire body seemed to fold in on itself as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he lost consciousness.

~*~

Tony sat by Bucky's bed and wondered how the hell to handle this. Ever since his parents had died there had been conspiracy theories on how the car accident hadn't been an accident at all. For the most part Tony had ignored them. Knowing that his parents had been murdered rather than having died in a tragic accident would not have brought them back.

But Bucky's reaction to a memory of Tony's mother—a memory that could have only come from his days as the Winter Soldier—seemed to confirm everything that he himself had tried to deny.

His parents had been murdered.

Tony let his gaze wander over the pale face of one of the two men he loved and tried to reconcile the fiercely protective James Buchanan Barnes he knew with the man who could set up a professional hit to look like a car accident and treat Maria Stark as nothing more than collateral damage.

It was no secret that Tony and his old man hadn't gotten along, and in all honesty Tony wasn't very surprised that the abusive, alcoholic man that Howard had become would piss off the wrong people enough to get himself murdered. But it was his mother's death that shook Tony yet again.

Tony could forgive Bucky almost anything. He knew to the very depths of his soul that Bucky was not to blame for doing what he'd been ordered to do when he'd known nothing else.

Yet two words swirled in his brain: collateral damage.

Yes, Tony could forgive Bucky almost anything.

He just wasn't sure where "almost" ended.

~*~

"Bruce?" Steve asked anxiously as the third hour of Bucky's unconsciousness ticked over.

Bruce shook his head. They'd run every test they could and nothing they'd found would explain why Bucky was still unconscious.

"He's been doing a lot of sleeping since his memories started to return," Bruce said in a tone that made it sound a little bit like a question. 

Steve nodded. That was a fairly accurate assessment. Instead of spending sleepless nights the way both Tony and Steve did when horrific memories wouldn't leave them alone, Bucky had the opposite reaction. The more memories that had surfaced, the more he'd slept. It had been both surprising and perhaps even a relief for the three of them. Steve knew all too well how lack of sleep could make every memory and problem seem out of proportion and insurmountable.

"It is possible that he had a sudden overwhelming rush of memories or perhaps remembered something really horrifying." Steve knew most of the memories Bucky had recovered. To think there might be something even worse had Steve's chest seizing, his lungs unable to draw enough air. "Or," Bruce continued, obviously trying to reassure Steve, "maybe it's just his consciousness shutting down for a while so he can get some real rest."

Steve nodded his understanding and forced a smile onto his face. Bucky getting the rest he needed was a good thing, so Steve mumbled the word "thanks" and turned to go back into the room. 

Tony looked exhausted, his skin pale, his chest rising and falling in painful shudders. Immediately terrified now for both of his lovers, Steve reached for Tony, hauled him into his arms, and tried not to be hurt by the man's mumbled protests.

Unable to let him go—how could he when it was clear how much Tony was hurting?—Steve held him close until the fight left him and he finally slumped against Steve's chest like a puppet with cut strings.

"I'm not sure I can forgive him," Tony said minutes later on a broken whisper.

"Forgive him for what?" Steve asked almost silently, his breath again jamming in his lungs.

"For killing my mom."

~*~

Frozen in place, aching from the cold, Bucky watched the Winter Soldier annihilate Hydra's enemies over and over again, the images looping in a never-ending stream of murder and mayhem, but it was the woman with dark brown eyes and a kind smile who died each time, in every situation, at every frightening, horrific, bloody scene.

And Bucky could do nothing but watch.

Unable to protect her, Bucky struggled helplessly as the monster inside him tore apart innocent lives.

He knew them now, the victims of Hydra, the people who would have tried to stop them, the people who would have made the world better if Bucky hadn't followed orders. They were the good guys, and he was the monster.

He gasped for air, his lungs seizing as Maria Stark died over and over again.

~*~

Steve held Tony in his lap, too terrified to let him go or to leave Bucky's hospital room. If either of them woke up they'd make a run for it.

Of all the memories the "chair" had wiped from Bucky's mind, why hadn't this been one of them? Right now, neither of them was thinking clearly. Tony knew Bucky was not responsible for the actions of the Soldier. And Bucky knew he wasn't to blame for the things he'd been forced to do while under Hydra's control, yet knowing that cold hard fact wasn't much solace when the loss was so personal. 

For both of them.

"I'm alright," Tony lied a few minutes later, trying to lever himself out of Steve's embrace. "I've got a lot of work to do. I'm just going to go spend some time in the workshop."

"Tony," Steve said, terrified that he was already losing the battle to hold their relationship together.

"It's okay, Cap. I'm good." It was too close to what he'd said the day they'd recovered Bucky, the day Tony had tried to pull away and pretend he didn't love him.

"I'm not okay," Steve admitted, as much to delay Tony's attempt to leave as to let him see how much Steve was hurting also. "I need you to stay, Tony. Please don't run from us again."

They'd already wasted a year hiding from each other emotionally. It had taken a crazy but rather informative prank of Loki's to force them both to find the courage to admit how they felt. It had been a rocky start, but once Bucky had begun to recover, the path had been clearer. Including his best friend in his and Tony's relationship had simply strengthened the love they had for each other and the past four months with the three of them together had been beautiful.

But with the recall of one horrifying event it was all falling apart.

"I'm not running," Tony said, forcing his way out of Steve's embrace, giving him no choice but to let go or risk hurting the man. "I just need space. I need time."

"Tony, please, I need you."

Fuck, it didn't hurt to say that, to admit to needing help, but it was the devastation on Tony's face that nearly crippled him.

Tony shook his head. "I can't, Cap." He glanced at Bucky, still asleep, still dreaming, still locked in the agony of his own mind. "I'm sorry, Steve. I just can't."

Steve stood up, wanting desperately to pull the man back into his arms, but when Tony flinched and took a step away, Steve literally buckled at the knees. 

He barely had a moment to recover before Tony bolted from the room.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sir," JARVIS said the moment Tony entered the workshop, "Captain Rogers is requesting your location and a health status update."

"Tell him I'm fine, I'm in my workshop, and I'm very busy."

"Very good, sir."

"Also J, go to full privacy mode."

"And if Captain Rogers should ask about you again?"

"Tell him the same thing—I'm good, I'm busy, I need to be left alone so I can get some work done." 

"Of course, sir."

~*~

Steve was so caught up in his own misery that he didn't even realize Clint and Natasha were in the room until Clint spoke. 

"Is there anything you need, Cap?" he asked, his voice low but not actually a whisper.

Steve shook his head. The only thing he needed right now was the two men he loved. Bucky was still unconscious, and Tony was hiding, and Steve wasn't even certain he knew why any of this had happened.

"Could you try to check on Tony for me? JARVIS just keeps repeating the same answer over and over like it's all Tony will let him say."

"Indeed, Captain," JARVIS said, answering a question that was never asked. If Steve wasn't so concerned for his lovers he might have been impressed by the AI's ability to get around Tony's programming without breaking his instructions. 

Clint nodded once, none of his usual smart-ass quips escaping him before he left the room. It was just one more thing for Steve to hate about this entire situation. 

Ever since Coulson had re-entered Clint's life, the archer had been different, lighter, happier in every situation, the loveable goofball side of him far more natural now that he no longer needed to hide his misery behind it. To think that something like this would diminish Clint's hard-won and well-deserved happiness was really irritating. 

Natasha moved closer to the bed and swept her hand down Bucky's pale cheek. They'd bonded over their love for fine weaponry and found a kindred soul in their hatred for rom-coms where one partner lied and cheated and somehow still won their beloved's heart. Admittedly Steve wasn't much of a fan either, but Natasha and Bucky had made hating them into an art form.

"Do we know what made him panic?" Natasha asked, her voice inflectionless, her tone matter-of-fact, but her hand shaking slightly as she pushed Bucky's long hair away from his eyes.

~*~

Clint stood just outside the locked workshop. He wanted to be pissed at Tony but he was clearly missing a few details. It made no sense for the man to lock himself in his workshop when Bucky was sick and Steve was clearly very worried.

"JARVIS, can you ask Tony to let me in, please?"

"Sir has placed the workshop under full privacy protocols. I'm afraid I won't be able to pass on any messages until he grants me permission to do so."

"Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say," Clint mumbled, reaching for his phone. The call took so long to connect that Clint almost hung up. He grinned when Phil finally answered his phone.

"Hey, babe," he said. "I need a favor."

Phil laughed softly. "I am not having phone sex with you while my team is in the middle of a case."

Clint rolled his eyes, but couldn't fault his husband for having rather terrific ideas. "Not that kind of favor," he said, grinning widely, "but feel free to call me the moment you've got some downtime."

Phil laughed again, but he hummed in agreement. "So what can I help you with right now, Agent Barton?"

"Well, sir," Clint said, nearly groaning at the way his stomach flipped at the familiar bantering with the man he loved, "remember that time you overrode JARVIS's controls to get into the penthouse?"

~*~

Tony wasn't even sure what he was working on. Occasionally some of his best ideas came to him when he was simply messing around in the workshop, but he was far too occupied with thoughts of Bucky to really give anything else the concentration it needed.

"Sir," JARVIS said, "I'm afraid my protocols are being overridden."

Fear streaked through him until he looked up and saw Barton step through the now-open door.

"How the fuck?" Tony asked. He probably wasn't as angry as he should have been, but managing to override JARVIS's controls was seriously impressive. Tony had long since found and closed the small exploit Coulson had used prior to the Chitauri invasion.

"Afraid I can't take the credit," Clint said with a self-deprecating smile. "Coulson has a hacker on the Bus."

Tony shook his head with disbelief. Overriding JARVIS wasn't something just any hacker would be able to do. "I definitely need to meet him."

"Her," Clint said, adding a wink as he moved closer to where Tony was perched on a stool. "And if you're a good little engineer, I'll introduce you next time Coulson's team is in town." Clint hoisted himself onto one of Tony's drafting tables and leaned back as if he didn't have a care in the world. 

Tony knew it was an act. In the past four months all of the Avengers had grown closer as a team and as friends. In many ways they were building the type of family none of them had ever had before, so it was kind of scary but mostly just really nice. Adding Coulson and Bucky to the mix hadn't been a problem. Adding Loki, however, was a completely different story.

But since the guy had rescued one of Tony's favorite people from right under Hydra's nose, the guy who referred to himself as the "god of mischief" couldn't be all bad.

Except that…

Clint's smile fell from his lips in reaction to Tony's sharp, painful gasp for breath, the concern in the archer's eyes too honest for Tony to be comfortable.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Clint asked.

"To be honest, you're kind of the last person I want to talk to about it."

Instead of being offended, Clint simply watched Tony for a few moments before coming to the right conclusion. "Bucky remembered something about his time as the Winter Soldier that's personal to you." Anyone who thought The Amazing Hawkeye was just the dumb archer he pretended to be, really had no fucking clue how incredible the man truly was.

And Tony respected the guy far too much to lie to him or blow him off when he was offering to help. Tony reached for a tiny screw driver even though he had no need for it. He spun it idly in his hand, watching it rather than looking at Clint.

"There's a good chance he killed my parents."

Clint nodded once, but simply waited for Tony to continue.

"The things is…I get it, the whole brainwashed assassin thing… I know he's not to blame. I know he had no control over the things they ordered him to do." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I just… He remembers my mom. He apparently knew her well enough to read her emotions just by looking into her eyes. It's not even the fact that he killed her. It's…" Tony dragged in a deep breath and let it out with a ragged sigh. "It's the whole idea that she was collateral damage, that she died simply because she was with my dad in the car that day." Tony breathed out a deep sigh. "I'm just not sure I can forgive anyone for that."

~*~

Steve blinked back the tears that kept threatening to fall. On the field he was Captain America—confident, in charge, in control. But here, at home, in the Tower surrounded by people he thought of as his family he was just that skinny kid from Brooklyn again.

He didn't want to share what he knew—Natasha had finally found her own happiness with Bruce and she deserved a chance to enjoy it—but she also deserved an honest answer.

"Tony thinks Bucky killed his parents. I'm not sure what happened to bring him to that conclusion." Steve swallowed hard, his hand tightening on Bucky's as he tried to keep his own emotions in check. "But it does seem the kind of memory that would make Bucky run the way he did and leave him catatonic when he couldn't escape."

"Perhaps," Natasha said, even though she nodded in agreement. "It's not typical of the Soldier's usual hit though."

Steve was a little bit embarrassed to realize that he'd overlooked that rather large detail. As far as he knew Howard and Maria Stark had died in a car accident. The reports they'd read on the Winter Soldier had involved far more direct means, the assassinations not only intended to violently end a life, but to also terrify those who knew the victim.

"JARVIS?" Steve asked, still glancing at the ceiling even though he knew it wasn't necessary when communicating with the AI. "Is there anything about Howard and Maria in the reports we found?"

"Nothing by name, Captain," JARVIS said. "There is, however, a notation dated eleven days before their deaths about the Winter Soldier being severely punished and placed in cryostasis after failing his mission."

"A failed mission?" Natasha asked, sounding quite surprised. From the little he knew about Natasha's time in the Red Room, failure had not been an option. 

"I have handwritten notes that suggest the intended target was a female scientist, but instead of spying on her as ordered, the Soldier befriended her."

"Can you send a copy of that report to Bucky please, JARVIS?" Natasha raised an eyebrow, clearly expecting Steve to explain. "It might not be relevant to our current problem, but it could do Bucky some good to know that he tried to save her, whoever she was."

"Actually, Captain, Maria Stark was a well-known scientist in her field before marrying Mr. Stark. It is quite possible that she was the target and Sergeant Barnes risked his own life to save her."

"Are you certain, JARVIS?"

"As certain as I can be with the information I have," JARVIS said, actually sounding as frustrated as Steve felt. "I am searching the reports to corroborate my hypothesis, but so far I can only confirm that Sergeant Barnes went into cryostasis eleven days before Howard and Maria Stark died. The next report that mentions the Winter Soldier is dated nearly two years later."

"So the evidence suggests that Sergeant Barnes was in cryostasis and not involved in the Stark's car accident?" Steve asked, trying to quell the relief running through him. They needed to be sure.

"That would be the logical conclusion, but since I do not know if any reports are missing, I cannot be certain."

Steve really wanted JARVIS's theory to be correct, but it wouldn't do Bucky or Tony any good to believe one thing only to later learn another.

"JARVIS," Natasha asked, "can you collate the average number of days the Winter Soldier was in cryostasis each time?"

"Seven-hundred-and-twenty-four," JARVIS responded almost immediately, "but again, without confirmation that I have all of the reports that were written, I have no way of being certain."

"What was the shortest time?" Steve asked.

"Just under seven months."

Natasha's expression didn't change, but her small nod suggested she was thinking along the same lines as Steve.

"It makes sense," Natasha finally said. "Even with the super soldier enhancements, preparing someone for cryostasis wouldn't be a cheap or easy task. It's unlikely they would have gone to all that trouble just to unfreeze him less than two weeks later."

Again, Steve wanted to agree, but he also knew that in a large organization decisions didn't always make a lot of sense, so while it was unlikely that Bucky had been unfrozen again in time to kill the Stark's, it wasn't impossible.

"It's not enough," Steve said, knowing that Natasha would understand. 

She nodded once. "I'll call in a few favors."

"Thanks," Steve said quietly as Natasha left the room. He turned his attention back to Bucky. The man was still unconscious, but at least his heart rate had returned to normal. "We'll figure this out, Buck. It's going to be okay."

It was a promise he meant to keep. He just had no idea how.


	3. Chapter 3

Several hours after talking to Clint, Tony hovered in the doorway of Bucky's room, his heart aching even more when he noticed the defeated slump of Steve's broad shoulders. 

It was a seriously fucked up situation. Tony wanted to be angry for his mother's death. He actually felt guilty for not being as angry as he believed he should be, but holding on to that emotion was doing nothing but hurting two men who didn't deserve it.

Bucky had already tried to run from them. He'd already judged himself and decided he was unworthy. Tony pushing him away would accomplish nothing other than making all three of them miserable.

It hurt. It would probably always hurt, but his parents were gone and the two men he loved needed him to be strong, to find a way to cope. Hydra killed his parents—not Bucky—no matter who actually set up the fatal accident.

"Any change?" Tony asked, moving closer to Steve as he spoke.

Steve actually startled, apparently having missed the fact that Tony had been hovering in the doorway for the past few minutes. It spoke powerfully of the depths of despair he was feeling. Even inside the safety of the tower with JARVIS watching over them, Steve had always been aware of who was around him.

"He hasn't woken yet," Steve said in a tight voice. "None of the medical staff knows why."

Memories of the poison that had been built into his prosthetic arm flashed through Tony's mind, and for a terrifying second he worried that he'd missed something. But it wasn't possible. When they'd attached the replacement prosthetic they'd scanned every inch of Bucky, checking for and removing trackers and other nasties Hydra had implanted into an innocent man's body. Unless Hydra had been able to disguise something to register as completely organic or they'd written something directly into his DNA that Bruce hadn't been able to find, then Bucky's current unconscious state wasn't their doing.

"You should take a break, Cap," Tony said, moving close enough to place a hand on Steve's shoulder. He quickly covered it with his own, the familiar warmth seeping into Tony's cold fingers.

"I can't leave him," Steve said, his tone apologetic. "I'm sorry, Tony."

There was a time in Tony's life when he would have taken that as the rejection it seemed to be, but after four months together, he'd learned a whole lot more about the real person behind the Star Spangled Man with a Plan. Steve wasn't rejecting Tony. He was trying to help them both, but right now Bucky had to take priority. It was something that would happen sooner or later in any triad relationship.

It was why the three of them had to stick together in situations like this.

Talking to Clint had also helped Tony put things into perspective. As angry and as hurt as he was feeling, Bucky undoubtedly had it worse. To have had no control over his own actions was devastating to a person as protective as Bucky. 

Tony knew Bucky hated that he'd been used to eliminate the people evil men had considered threats to their plans. Even without the horrifying memories of actual assassinations, it was the idea that the Winter Soldier's victims had been innocents—the very people he would have protected if given the choice—that bothered Bucky the most.

Despite seventy years of medical procedures, mind-altering drugs, and violent conditioning, Bucky still thought of himself as weak because he hadn't been able to break free of Hydra's hold. Undoubtedly he'd shoulder the blame for failing to protect Maria Stark, and if Tony didn't do everything he could to stop him, Bucky would disappear from their lives one day and never come back.

Tony couldn't let that happen.

He was still trying to find the words to explain all of that to Steve when Bruce stepped into the room.

He nodded at Tony, but he directed his words to Steve.

"Scans and blood work have come back fine," he said, moving closer to the bed to check Bucky's vitals. "We can't find any physical reason for Bucky being unconscious, so we're going to work on the assumption—at least until we can find evidence otherwise—that Bucky's current state is of mild form of catatonia."

_Mild?_ Tony wanted to mouth off about the ridiculousness of medical wording—how the fuck was Bucky's condition mild?—but managed to rein in the self-destructive impulse to irritate everyone around him.

"Can I take him home?" Steve asked, glancing at Tony as if asking his permission to still call their penthouse apartment "home."

"That should be fine," Bruce said. "I'll continue to monitor his vitals through JARVIS. Call me if you need anything."

Tony stepped back only so that Bruce could get past him, but the momentary devastation on Steve's face when he thought he was moving away nearly broke him in half. Tony almost knocked Bruce over trying to get back to Steve to assure him that he wasn't going anywhere.

Thankfully, Steve didn't hesitate. He simply wrapped Tony in his warm embrace and held on.

"I'm sorry I bailed."

Steve let out a shaky breath. "And I'm sorry I tried to pressure you into staying. I know your workshop is your sanctuary when things get rough."

Tony loved that Steve knew that, but it was also time for Tony to find better, healthier ways to cope. Abandoning the men he loved wasn't the answer to anything.

"Should I grab the wheelchair?" Tony asked, trying to think practical things so that he didn't give in to fear. Bucky not waking up for reasons unknown was scaring everyone.

Even Bruce with his calm and quiet demeanor hadn't quite been able to hide the worried "tells" Tony had gradually catalogued since the day they'd met on the hellicarrier.

"No, no wheelchair," Steve said, squeezing Tony one last time before letting him go. "I'd rather carry him, if that's okay." 

Tony smiled. "I can't think of a better use for all those muscles," he said, managing to lighten the mood just a little. "We'll get him home and climb into bed, and hold him close until he comes back to us."

Steve smiled. He was so easy to read, so open with his emotions, so determined to do the right thing all of the time that again Tony felt humbled that this incredible man chose to love him the way he did.

"Come on, Cap. Let's go home."

~*~

The Soldier hated the cold. Hated everything about it. He even hated modern air-conditioned buildings because they were invariably colder than he wanted to feel. He shivered violently, his vision blurring as he wandered the empty halls. The building was massive, the corridors seemingly never ending, the walls an unbroken sterile white.

 _"It's okay, Buck. We're here. We won't leave you,"_ a far-away voice whispered.

Excitement swelled in his mind. He knew that voice. He turned to find it, but the passageways were identical in every direction and he had no idea which one took him where he wanted to go. Panic scorched him then, the fear that he would lose that voice, that he'd be forced to go on without the man who owned it making him whimper in pain.

_"No, Bucky. I promise. I'm not going anywhere."_

The Solider couldn't even remember the names he needed to call, the men he loved and who loved him in return. He pleaded with the voice, desperate to find his way, aching to get back to something he couldn't even remember. But it was better than this, harder and scarier and infinitely more difficult, yet better, way better than wandering lost and alone, forgotten and forgetting.

The voices kept talking, both of them, both of his men, and the Soldier followed that lifeline, struggling to breathe as he raced toward them, the corridors slowly changing, the walls no longer white, no longer empty.

The Soldier pushed through the obstacles, ignoring the horror of his imagination. He knew most of these memories didn't exist. They weren't real. They were his mind trying to fill in the blanks, trying to rewrite the things that had been erased. But they weren't real.

They weren't real.

He didn't remember killing Tony's parents. Even if he'd done it, they'd left him with no memory of it. The only thing he knew for certain was that at one point in time he'd known Maria. He'd looked into her beautiful brown eyes and felt her sorrow, her disappointment and despair, but none of the memories of killing her were real.

The Soldier—no, Bucky, his name was Bucky—slowed as he pushed past the fabrications, the facsimiles of memories until he came to the real ones. Most were faded and incomplete, the pictures scratchy, the sound dulled and mostly gone. That's what they'd left him with. Just the barest of outlines of memories they hadn't wanted him to keep. And in all honesty he wouldn't have wanted to keep them either.

He'd read the reports, the gloating entries of their asset doing his job the way they'd ordered, but they'd been simple words, a million miles away from the blood and gore and the terrible horror.

Bucky forced himself to keep moving forward, to push past the clearer memories that they hadn't been able to erase, the ones that had written themselves into long-term memory before they'd gotten him back to the chair. 

He found her further along the corridors of his mind, her gentle smile hiding a wealth of pain. He'd been sent to spy on her, to charm her and learn her secrets, but he'd been too good at it, his unexpected ability opening the door to memories his masters had thought long gone. Bucky had even protected her from the wrath of a drunken husband one night, taking her to a safe place and then going to retrieve her son.

Tony.

Panic clawed at him when he realized what he could have done. Oh, fuck. Fuck. If he'd succeeded, if he'd gotten Maria away from an abusive, drunken husband and reunited her with her son, Tony might have gotten hurt, might have been there when she'd been killed.

Bucky called for him, for Tony, for the boy he'd never met and the man that he loved. Fuck. He needed to find him.

_"Bucky, I'm here. I'm okay. Please, honey, please open your eyes."_

Bucky shook his head, terrified that this was another false memory, another fabrication of his mind. Warmth surrounded him, the feel of skin against skin forcing an instinctive reaction. Bucky curled into the familiar embrace of both men he loved.

"Tony?" he asked, too scared to open his eyes.

"Yeah, Buck. It's me, honey. You're safe. You're home. Steve and I are both here. We're not going anywhere."

Bucky took a deep breath and then forced his eyes open. Even through the blur of tears he recognized the man in front of him.

"I'm so sorry," Bucky whispered. "Please forgive me."

"Nothing to forgive," Tony said very seriously, none of his dismissive or defensive attitude hiding behind those words. "It's not your fault, honey. It never was."

"But," Bucky said, gasping in a breath when he finally realized Steve's huge body was pressed up behind him, the sense of being surrounded by the warmth of their love as emotional as it was physical.

"No buts," Tony said in a stern tone. "Nothing you did as the Winter Soldier is your fault or your responsibility. Even if you did set-up their car accident—"

"Car accident?" Bucky asked, cutting Tony off and twisting in Steve's embrace to try and gauge the man's expression. 

"Yeah, Tasha doesn't think it sounds like one of the Soldier's hits either," Steve said. "She's gone to talk to a few old friends who might be able to fill in some of the blanks."

"You let her go alone?" Bucky asked, the fear of his friend getting hurt while trying to help him overriding his usual faith in The Black Widow's abilities.

"Don't let Tasha hear you talking like that," Steve said with a soft laugh. 

"Too late," Clint told them from where he was lounging against the doorjamb of their bedroom. He held up his cell phone for them to see. "She's on speaker."

"Sorry, Tash," Bucky called, raising his voice just a little to be heard, and feeling better than he had since all of this had started. 

"Seriously, Barton," Tony said, sitting up a little and taking the bedclothes with him. "I really need to meet this hacker friend of yours. Of course, this time you could have just asked JARVIS to let you in."

"Where's the fun in that?" Clint asked with a smart-ass grin.

Bucky let out the breath he'd been holding, very grateful to the people around him, people he considered his family, for not acting like he was a fragile invalid right now. Even if he was still feeling very shaky.

"Natasha?" Steve asked in a tone that very clearly conveyed that Captain America wanted a situation report right now.

"The good news is that I have definite proof that the Winter Soldier went into cryostasis eleven days before the car accident and didn't come out until two years after that."

Bucky shivered just from remembering the cold. Thankfully his lovers both moved close enough to sandwich him between them. It took a few moments more for Natasha's news to sink in.

"I didn't kill your parents?" Bucky asked Tony, worried that he was only hearing what he wanted to hear.

"No," Tony said, moving even closer, "the Winter Soldier didn't kill my parents, but even if he had, he was never you, not when he was following orders."

"He's right, Buck," Tasha said, her conviction clear in her voice, even through the speaker of the phone. And Bucky knew she was talking from experience, her own history possibly more painful since she retained all of her memories. "The bad news," Natasha continued, "is that I can't find details on the actual hit. At this stage, despite the Soldier having contact with Maria Stark in the month before her death, there is no suggestion that she or Howard had been targets of Hydra." 

"So it's possible that it really was just an accident?" Tony asked, his fingers gently gliding through Bucky's hair.

"I'm afraid I can only submit a lack of evidence as proof, but it certainly seems that way," Natasha said in her inflectionless way of speaking. "I'm on my way home and Clint is going to get out of your way so you can go back to doing whatever it was you were doing before you were interrupted."

"Aw, Tasha, I was looking forward to the show," Clint said in his whiniest voice. Fortunately the man was smiling and everyone knew him well enough to know he was only teasing.

"Call Coulson," she ordered, her love for both Clint and Phil very clear in her voice. "I have it on good authority that he's in between missions right now."

Clint grinned wickedly, saluted Tony, Bucky, and Steve in his usual smart-ass fashion, and then hurried away. 

Bucky took a deep breath and willed his heart rate to slow down, the images in his dreams already fading from his mind. It was only then that he realized he'd been stripped down to his underwear. He lifted the bedclothes to confirm that yes, his lovers were in the same state of undress.

"You need to eat," Steve said, always the voice of reason, the responsible one, the man who always had a plan. 

"I need you two more."

~*~

Steve could feel the muscles in his back slowly starting to unlock, the past twenty-four hours of grief and fear fading into memory as he cuddled both of the men he loved. He'd known going in that a relationship between three people would have its own unique set of problems, so he was relieved to have this first major issue behind them.

He smiled as he watched Bucky and Tony together, physically finding their way back to each other the same way they'd done emotionally—one moment, one touch, one quiet sigh at a time.

It had been a rough day for all of them, but had only proven that what the three of them shared was something truly precious and definitely worth fighting for.

Bucky's ability to remain whole, to claw himself back together and reclaim the life Hydra had stolen from him was truly inspiring. And Tony's selfless and wholehearted ability to love despite a lifetime of rejection and being used for his money was a gift Steve would never take for granted.

He was continually awed by the strength and dedication of the two men who'd chosen to love him back.

Steve grinned when they both turned toward him, Bucky moving closer to press a kiss to Steve's throat, nuzzling his collarbone as Tony pushed into Bucky from behind.

Their lives were unpredictable, their decision to be Avengers, to step into danger over and over to protect those who couldn't protect themselves meant every moment together was precious, every kiss possibly their last. It wasn't a perfect life—it never would be—but it was perfect for the three of them and that's what mattered most.

"I love you," Steve whispered. "I love you both so much. Thank you for finding your way back to me and each other."

"As if you would have let it end any other way," Bucky said with a typical grin. "Thanks, punk."

"Less yappin' more tappin'," Tony said, his horrendous attempt at a Brooklyn accent making Steve and Bucky both laugh.

"Yes, sir," Steve responded, wriggling down the bed to take Bucky into his mouth, his lover's startled yelp simply urging him on. It was a huge relief to realize they'd already reclaimed the fun and loving side of their three-way relationship.

Life in the tower was quickly getting back to normal.

"Apologies, Captain," JARVIS said reluctantly, "but there are giant lizards attacking Manhattan and SHIELD is calling for help."

Of course, _normal_ was a relative term when it was applied to the Avengers.

_Fucking evil scientists and their rotten fucking timing._

"Avengers assemble!"

THE END


End file.
